A Message From Your Cap'n

"Getting your butthole waxed is surprisingly painless. The only thing that hurts is your pride."

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 17:11:00 -0700

“Getting your butthole waxed is surprisingly painless. The only thing that hurts is your pride.”

- Cap’n Lou

"When a person is abandoned at birth in a supermarket and then raised by jars of mayonnaise, he may..."

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 19:49:00 -0700

“When a person is abandoned at birth in a supermarket and then raised by jars of mayonnaise, he may develop a tendency to spread himself too thin.”

- Cap’n Lou

A Nutrition Question

Mon, 18 May 2009 16:39:00 -0700

Hey Cap’n,

Is beer a meal?

-Ale Lover

_______________________________________________________

Dear AL,

Beer only counts as a meal if you add one cup of ground beef and a packet of taco seasoning to it.

Salud,

Cap’n Lou

A Yoga Question

Tue, 12 May 2009 16:43:00 -0700

Dear Cap’n Lou,

I enjoy going to yoga class, but I really dislike the part where the whole class is supposed to chant in unison. Not only can I never get the words right, but the whole thing just feels disingenuous to me. But then it’s also uncomfortable to a) chant the wrong words or b) remain sullenly silent. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Om my god this is embarrassing
______________________________________________________

Dear OmMG,

I can sense from your letter that you are one tough cookie who has endured getting punched in the ribs in the name of physical fitness. But it seems that yoga has presented you with a dilemma you can’t uppercut your way out of. I have two possible solutions to your problem:

Option #1: Educate yourself about the role chanting plays in yoga and try to learn some of the sanskrit words. You may find chanting actually enhances your yoga practice once you understand it.

Option #2 (recommended): Become the person in yoga class who makes everyone else so uncomfortable, they collectively try to pretend you don’t exist. Here’s how:

Wear loose-fitting short-shorts.
Do NOT wear underwear.
Arrive 15 minutes late, and then take a couple extra minutes to finish a disturbingly un-sliced snack, like a whole cucumber or a whole block of tofu.
Position your mat way too close to at least one other person.
Occasionally grunt like you’re straining to take a shit; try to make these grunts somewhat breathy and sexual.
Fart audibly as often as possible.
When other people shoot you irritated glances, make unflinching eye contact with them until they look away.

By following these steps, you should earn yourself the right to flagrantly disregard chanting and anything else about yoga decorum you find distasteful.

Namaste,

Cap’n Lou

A Baseball Question

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 13:00:00 -0700

Dear Cap’n Lou,

Who is better, Jack Cust or Ben Sheets?

-Omar
__________

Dear Omar,

My vast knowlege of professional sports often goes unrecognized, so I appreciate this opportunity to highlight my expertise. Unfortunately, I recently had to erase all the baseball facts from my memory to make more room for Mary J. Blige lyrics. Sorry about that!

But a wise leprechaun informed me that this may not be a baseball question so much as a fantasy baseball question. If this is the case, great! I am still an expert in all things fantastical.

In fantasy terms, Jack Cust is like an orc: intimidating, but easily outrun and outwitted. Ben Sheets is like Aragorn (son of Arathorn): a super stud messiah who, in this scenario, is going to be laid up at Rivendell with an elbow injury for many moons.

The question for you, Omar, is whether you are willing to forsake Aragorn in his moment of weakness in order to harness the power of an evil brute force? Or can you have faith that Aragorn will be able to recover and go on to save Middle Earth in the long run? I suggest letting a 20-sided die decide this for you.

Best,

Cap’n Lou

Questions Submitted By Garrick

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 14:55:00 -0700

Q: The Rorschach test has recently been used as the inspiration for one of the more modern super heroes and I was curious if you felt there might be other heroes (or villains) taken from the annals of psychological discovery?

Q: What are some psychological problems that super heroes or super villains have?

Q: I was wondering why a villain is a “villain” meaning, of course, one who comes from a villa? Is there something about coming from a large country house that makes people wish to control, punish and hurt others?

__________________________________________________

Dear Garrick,

Thank you for your questions, and for not wasting my time with any of the usual email pleasantries. Here are your answers:

A: Yes there are. One that comes to my mind is Superego, who has the power to stop criminals in their tracks with crushing feelings of guilt. His nemesis is Lexapro Luthor, who discovered an anti-depressant substance that renders Superego’s powers useless, causing evildoers to stop renouncing their socially unacceptable ways and instead start “working through” their latent aggression toward their parents by plotting to destroy the world.

A: A little known fact about super heroes is that they all suffer from a debilitating fear of the secularization of Christmas, also known as santaclaustrophobia. Super villains have often taken advantage of this deficit by disguising their secret lairs as year-round Christmas tree ornament stores.

A: Whenever someone has the luxury of too much space in his home, he is easily corrupted. For example, I’ve heard tell of a man who has an entire room dedicated to his foamhead collection. What could he be amassing all those foamheads for? I don’t know, but his intentions are sinister, of that I am certain.

Keep in touch,

—Cap’n Lou

First Day of Spring Haiku

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 09:59:00 -0700

Spring is sprung, my friend
Sprung like Sir Mix-A-Lot when
He sees a big butt

—Cap’n Lou

Guest Wisdom From Sean Keane

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 14:54:00 -0700

Dear Cap’n Lou,

When contemplating my romantic success with the ladies, coupled with my refusal to buy a messenger bag, I thought of the following semi-useful phrase:

Girls don’t lick nutsacks
Of boys who wear backpacks

—Sean

__________________________________________________

Dear Sean,

Thank you for sharing your R-rated widsom with me. From your note, I can sense that you have a powerful spirituality. Are you an ordained minister by any chance?

I applaud your decision to continue to wear a backpack and I do think it will pay off in the long run. Just remember:

Old ladies have always adored
Old men with backs straight as a board.

Hang in there!

—Cap’n Lou

Letter from Justin J. Justin

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 02:08:00 -0700

Cap’n,

I thought of you when I said, “If it ain’t Baroque, don’t fix it.”

Thanks,
JJJ

PS. Fuck that Crunch cap’n!

__________________________________________________

Dear JJJ,

Thank you for including me in your thoughts. Your Baroque saying is an oldie and a goodie. However, I have come to prefer the phrase, “If it’s a Rococo, don’t come a-knockoco.”

Fondly,

Cap’n Lou

Mnemonic #3

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 11:17:00 -0800

Dear Cap’n Lou,

I see that you are very talented at creating mnemonic devices. I have a problem that I’m hoping you can help me with. Whenever I think of Kanye West’s name, I forget how to pronounce it. I inevitably call him “Cain,” which leads to a lot of confusion. For some reason, people always think I’m talking about a professional wrestler? Anyway, please help me remember how to pronounce Kanye’s name.

Yours,

Jeff Mitchell

__________________________________________________

Dear Jeff,

Thanks for your letter. How about this:

As I was traveling west to Cannes,

I drove for a while on the autobahn,

Met CNN personality Paula Zahn,

Ate some curry with some naan,

Sat in the sun cuz I was wan,

Thought about the Ayatollah in Iran,

Caught a matinee show of “The Wrath of Khan.”

But when I arrived in France later that day,

And saw a famous rapper heading my way,

I was so excited I cried out, “Cannes! Yay!”

Hope this helps!

— Cap’n Lou

Mnemonic #2

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 10:34:56 -0800

A gypsy woman in an eagle’s embrace, Nicks and Henley sang ‘Leather and Lace.’

"It’s true that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But you also catch more..."

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 20:16:00 -0800

“It’s true that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But you also catch more flies with stagnant pond water or shit or rotting corpses than with honey. So where does that leave us?”

- Cap’n Lou

"I can’t make you love me if you don’t, but I CAN make your heart feel something I call..."

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 13:59:00 -0800

“I can’t make you love me if you don’t, but I CAN make your heart feel something I call ‘poison-induced heart failure.’”

- Cap’n Lou

Cap'n Lou: Knock knock

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 19:23:00 -0800

Cap'n Lou: Knock knock
Person: Who's there?
Cap'n Lou: Cap'n Lou
Person: Cap'n Lou who?
Cap'n Lou: Cap'n Lou Albino. Please let me in! The sun is burning my milky white skin!

Wisdom from thelongneckgiraffe

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 08:18:00 -0800

Wisdom from thelongneckgiraffe

"I believe the children are the future, which gives them an undeniable advantage. But I also believe..."

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 19:27:00 -0800

“I believe the children are the future, which gives them an undeniable advantage. But I also believe that if we can just get our hands on a time machine, we will defeat them.”

- Cap’n Lou

"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Crap your pants on MUNI and the world laughs at you."

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 12:35:00 -0800

“Laugh and the world laughs with you. Crap your pants on MUNI and the world laughs at you.”

- Cap’n Lou

Mnemonic #1

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 10:40:00 -0800

My Not-Educated Mother Ought Not Irk Christ.

"Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, unless the horse is a gift from your boyfriend and he is..."

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 18:13:00 -0800

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, unless the horse is a gift from your boyfriend and he is the type to propose by putting an engagement ring in the horse’s mouth, in which case you should just do a quick check.”

- Cap’n Lou

"Ladies, sometimes you have to accept the fact that he is just not that into UNESCO."

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 14:58:00 -0800

“Ladies, sometimes you have to accept the fact that he is just not that into UNESCO.”

- Cap’n Lou