A Yoga Question
Dear Cap’n Lou,
I enjoy going to yoga class, but I really dislike the part where the whole class is supposed to chant in unison. Not only can I never get the words right, but the whole thing just feels disingenuous to me. But then it’s also uncomfortable to a) chant the wrong words or b) remain sullenly silent. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Om my god this is embarrassing
______________________________________________________
Dear OmMG,
I can sense from your letter that you are one tough cookie who has endured getting punched in the ribs in the name of physical fitness. But it seems that yoga has presented you with a dilemma you can’t uppercut your way out of. I have two possible solutions to your problem:
Option #1: Educate yourself about the role chanting plays in yoga and try to learn some of the sanskrit words. You may find chanting actually enhances your yoga practice once you understand it.
Option #2 (recommended): Become the person in yoga class who makes everyone else so uncomfortable, they collectively try to pretend you don’t exist. Here’s how:
- Wear loose-fitting short-shorts.
- Do NOT wear underwear.
- Arrive 15 minutes late, and then take a couple extra minutes to finish a disturbingly un-sliced snack, like a whole cucumber or a whole block of tofu.
- Position your mat way too close to at least one other person.
- Occasionally grunt like you’re straining to take a shit; try to make these grunts somewhat breathy and sexual.
- Fart audibly as often as possible.
- When other people shoot you irritated glances, make unflinching eye contact with them until they look away.
By following these steps, you should earn yourself the right to flagrantly disregard chanting and anything else about yoga decorum you find distasteful.
Namaste,
Cap’n Lou
